Originally published by Ladybud Magazine

Whoever said cocaine is sexy is full of shit. Well, if they are doing cocaine they probably aren’t full of shit, which brings me to reason one of why cocaine is not and never will be sexy:

1) Cocaine makes you shit. I said it, it’s true and you all know it. Ever been to a party full of cokeheads? Ever use the bathroom? It smells like a petting zoo in there because after they ate dinner, got proper smashed and then started railing lines then they all bee-lined to the bathroom to pass dinner back out. Not sexy.

2) Cocaine makes you sweat. Is it hot in here? Sure, maybe, but it’s definitely not you. You’re face is drooling onto the mirror… gross.

3) Cocaine gives you nose bleeds. Take it from a girl who spent years in the downtown San Francisco bar scene: if you do cocaine regularly you are going to have a scabby, boogery, bloody nose and we all know it’s just not cute when you catch the chick or dude you are eyeballin’ going nose deep.

What’s worse is if you can cum while on cocaine it’s going to be a weird empty sensation. You may ejaculate but it will just be like watching the credits on a movie — signifies what-you-are-doing-is-done-and it’s-time-to-move-on-to-the-next-thing-because-you-are-so-fucking-lit-on-the-coke.

These days, most street cocaine isn’t even cocaine any more. It’s cut with baby laxatives or stomped on with meth-like fillers. Ever heard of crystal dick? It’s when you fuck on meth and you go at it endlessly and nobody cums. It gets sweaty and frustrating and limp and gross and frustrating.

Finally, the people who are giving you cocaine aren’t that cool. They are either sleazy losers, douche-baggy lawyers or very sad and struggling drug addicts. You don’t want to sleep with any of these three people, trust me. Unfortunately, I have done all three. The sleazy one turned into a creepy stalker who seemed to show up everywhere with a bag of blow and a bottle of booze like they were a bouquet of fresh roses and a box of gourmet chocolates. The lawyer plied me with coke so he could show me off at clubs where all the other old men knew he was rich enough to buy the company of a 20-something. The sad and struggling drug addict? Well, I’ve dated that guy over and over again and I am done buying my man’s dinner and bailing him out of jail, sorry. Hope you recover soon, dude. Sigh.

Some drugs make sex better, like marijuana (See: SEX POT: The Marijuana Lover’s Guide to Gettin’ it On by Mamakind). Cocaine does not. There is nothing sexy about cocaine. If you haven’t tried it, just don’t. It’s gross. If your man wants to fuck you while he is on coke, politely decline; tell him you want a hard dick.