You Better Feed Me Before You Stuff Me

Originally published by Ladybud Magazine

I have completely lost count of how many times I have either balanced my checkbook or planned my day during sex. A couple times I have actually just boldly asked, “Are you done yet?”.

“Why would you ask a question like that?!” He is mildly humiliated but not enough to stop what he is doing.

“Because I am bored!”  This is usually followed by an eye roll and a couple more quick pumps before he cums on command (it seems like they all can) and rolls over. What??!! At least I am not faking it!!!

What??!! At least I am not faking it!!!

And I blame every one of you out there who fakes an orgasm when you get bored in bed for ruining men for the rest of us, who aren’t faking it. Think about it like training a puppy, you wouldn’t give him a treat after he pissed on your sofa, would you? Would you pat a mechanic on the back and say “good job” after he fucked around with your car for an hour and it still wouldn’t run? No, you wouldn’t, but faking the orgasm is just the kind of positive reinforcement which conditions men to think that what they are doing is totally working for you when it’s totally not.

While every man thinks he is giving the women he fucks an orgasm, only a few of them are actually having them. Recently, I had my first, mind-blowing “vaginal orgasm.” The vaginal orgasm has long been a myth to women but a somehow agreed upon fact by men. Almost all women can achieve orgasm through clitoral stimulation, but only 30% of lucky ladies have experienced an orgasm during penetration. That’s right, boys, you sticking your dick in most of us does nothing at all; it’s purely for you and to satisfy our own desire for sexual validation (men have this desire as well, they just usually get to cum every time).

Women’s orgasms are more complex.  They are longer, better and involve just as much mental stimulation as physical. So, why the hell are we settling for orgasm-less sex? And why are you faking it? You are undoing all the years of training I have bestowed upon my partners (victims) for years! I have not held back in letting them know just how bad a job they are doing in bed by not paying attention to me at all.

This guy was trying to make sure I actually enjoyed myself which is why I couldn’t care that I didn’t make him buy me dinner first or take me to see a chick flick or follow me around a mall carrying all my shopping bags so that he can stare at strangers with his sad, dead eyes. He was able to do it because he actually tried.

So if you don’t plan on having an orgasm while he uses you as his real-life fuck doll rather than having sex WITH you, for god’s sake don’t fake the orgasm, and please, please, at least say to him “You better feed me before you stuff me,” because you deserve to get something out of this whole sex-venture too, and if you aren’t going to stand up (or lie down) and take your orgasm you might as well get a fancy dinner and an overpriced movie out of the deal.

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