Originally published by Ladybud Magazine

Last month, researchers at Oakland University in Michigan did a study of roughly 250 men to get to the bottom of the burning question, why do men perform cunnilingus on women? The hypothesis was simple, “among men who perform cunnilingus on their partner, those at greater risk of sperm competition are more likely to perform cunnilingus until their partner achieves orgasm.”

I mean, why else would he want to put his mouth on that? Many (not all) men think vaginas are complicated, gross and smell funny. But according to the study, although a man has no functional reproductive purpose for wanting to eat pussy,  he does it to stake his claim to a woman’s ovaries or risk raising the seed of another man from a damaged vessel.

How come no one is asking why a woman would put a dick in her mouth, and against her own gag reflexes, lockjaw or hesitancy toward sweaty ball smell keep that dick in said mouth, deep throat it and sometimes even swallow the splooge? Which, by the way, I always do because I think it makes a bigger show of finding a place to spit it than just gulping it back (I mean, I have taken shots of much nastier things) and the taste is already in my mouth so the damage is done– oh yeah, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable by pointing out that something that came from your body is a little off-putting. By the way guys, sperm isn’t exactly (most) of our idea of an appetizing snack, but we do it cause we like you and want to see you happy.

Just in case you need a road map.

Which, is why you should eat some pussy. Because you like us, and you want to see us happy too. But we also want you to really like it, or what’s the point? Aren’t the best blow jobs coming from someone you can tell is also liking the act of giving it to you? If I can learn to like a dick slamming into my vocal chords (yeah, I’m that talented) you can surely learn to like a little mouse-clicking, skittle-diddling girl time, right?!

If only.

So many girls won’t even let guys go down on them because they are too embarrassed to look at their own vaginas, let alone let someone face plant in it. They have been taught to think they smell so bad that they douche all sorts of unnatural things up it too. Men never seem to be afraid of their own genitalia the way we are.

This sort of plays right into the phenomena of women constantly having sex but never achieving orgasm themselves. What’s the point of that?! Don’t you want to eat her pussy because you think it’s really hot when she comes really hard and you can know you did that to her?

It begs me to ask the question, why does this have to play into reproduction at all? Why are researchers still predicating sexual research on the notion all sexual intercourse is inherently about making babies? It’s 2013, haven’t we scientifically acknowledged sex in the mammalian kingdom isn’t just about reproduction yet?

People who believe the only purpose for sex is reproduction are the same people who think the semantics of a word, like say, “marriage”, actually have societal impacts beyond legal equality for all people– even those gay, straight, lesbian, gender-queer and transgendered peoples who, all the time, have sex with each other with no explicit intentions of making a baby.

Anyone who tells you sex is explicitly for reproduction is not only delusional, but they are most likely pent up with raging guilt from every time they have ever jacked off or fingered themselves, and that is really sad.

And who are the pervs that “spoke to God” about how other people choose to please each other during their undefined existence on this planet? No really, think aboutthat, any religious edict about sexual conduct, whether or not you believe it came directly from God, was written down on paper by some dude some time throughout the loose and dirty annals of human history. These perv-prophets lived in some seriously fucked up times, like when pre-teen girls were forced into polygamous marriages or otherwise enslaved by a twisted patriarchal society built on control.

Because, you don’t control people when you can force them to do something, you truly control them when they think they should or want to do something.

Do YOU really want an old pervert from millennia ago dictating what you do with your own body in your own bed?

It’s time to stop preaching and eat some pussy. Or maybe you should suck a dick, but make sure when you do, you are putting a smile on their face and yours.